Man Says Apocalypse to Occur 9/23, Available for Interviews Next Week

This is absolutely priceless. I love it.

From Express.co.uk:

It is not known whether David Meade is losing confidence in his prediction the apocalypse will begin on Saturday, September 23, or whether he, like many others, believes the process will be long drawn out.

Canadian radio producer Robyn Flynn revealed the details from Mr Meade on her Twitter profile, telling followers: “Just tried to book an interview w/ a researcher who says the world ends Saturday. 

“Told me he’s not available for interviews until next week.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

The best parody is unintentional parody.

Photo credit: State Farm via VisualHunt / CC BY

Posted in 15 Minutes Of Fame, End Of The World Is Nigh, Hifreakinlarious, People Are Weird, Signs of the Impending Apocalypse, The Stupid...It Burns!, What The...? | 1 Comment

PARISH REPORT: Pastor Sells Ad Space on His Vestments to Fund Parish Project

(AoftheANews) – KANSAS CITY – Fr. Mark Ahting, pastor of Our Lady of Good Bargains, signed advertising contracts with several major US Catholic publications and groups in an effort to raise funds to improve their parish labyrinth. Starting next Sunday, ads for National Catholic Reporter, Commonweal, and other Catholic groups will be featured on his vestments, visible to parishioners and church-goers during the weekend Masses.

“I wanted to do something other than the standard raffle or fundraiser,” Fr. Ahting told AoftheA News. “I didn’t want to ask my parishioners to contribute – they’re older, have limited income, and they already do so much for the parish, but I struggled to find an effective way to raise money. A few weekends ago, I was watching a Nascar race, and then it struck me: drivers wear advertising of their sponsors, so why can’t I?”

After numerous phone calls and meetings, Fr Ahting got the deals he was looking for, and the companies and Catholic publishers he’s contracting with are excited.

“We never considered advertising in a church,” a spokesman for the National Catholic Reporter said. “The overwhelming majority of our readers don’t even attend Sunday Mass, so we look at this as a great way to expand our readership.”

“Our membership has been slowly dropping,” a spokesperson for Call-to-Action told AoftheA News, “mostly through attrition due to old age. We’re willing to pay for advertising so that unsuspecting Church-goers will learn about us and get sucked into our group.”

Fr Ahting has several other ideas in the works. “I’m in discussion with America Magazine, for example, where they’ll provide corporate sponsorship of the Prayers of the Faithful. And I’m in preliminary negotiations with other organizations to sponsor the first and second readings, too. There might come a Sunday where the congregation will hear the lector say ‘A reading from the prophet Isaiah, brought to you by Patheos’.”

Fr Ahting predicts he’ll have enough money for the labyrinth improvements by early 2018, and is accepting requests for naming rights. “By next year, you might see a sign that reads ‘Our Lady of Good Bargains LCWR Labyrinth of Serenity’. You never know.”

Each organization AoftheA News spoke with said they will be pursuing Mass advertising aggressively.

“This could be a cash cow for parishes around the country,” one spokesperson said. “When you look at churches being forced to close because of declining attendance, well, the income generated from our advertising could help keep the doors open.”

Which begs the question: if falling attendance rates are forcing churches to close, then will enough people be exposed to the marketing to make a difference? And will the publications gain enough subscriptions to offset the advertising costs?

“Listen,” the NCR spokesperson said when asked those questions, “using logic like that is hate speech and a cheap shot. That sort of talk is unacceptable.”

Image source: created by Acts of the Apostasy

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | 1 Comment

Nunjas

Found this 1970’s video called “Nuns Learn Karate and Aikido as Self-Defense”. Glad I didn’t attend grade school where these nuns taught. Where I went, students’ knuckles were rapped with a ruler for discipline, not taken down with a flying nun kick.

“Fall asleep in my class, eh? HIIIIII-YAH!!”

via Vintage Everyday

Posted in Because It Made Me Laugh, Catholic Stuff, Hifreakinlarious, Humor, nuns, Sisters (The "Good" Ones), Video | Comments Off on Nunjas

PARISH REPORT: Cantor Glares Severely at Man not Singing Responsorial Psalm

(AoftheANews) – NEW HAVEN – Cantor Harriet I. Ball shot an icy look at a parishioner during the Responsorial Psalm at the 10:30 AM Mass on Sunday, according to several eyewitnesses.

“At first I thought she was shooting daggers at me,” a woman, wishing to remain anonymous, told AoftheA News, “but then I noticed that the man seated next to me wasn’t singing the psalm when she raised her arm. I breathed a sigh of relief, realizing she was staring him down and not me.”

“It was kinda eerie,” another unnamed parishioner said. “Here she was, singing ‘You are my help, and in the shadow of your wings I shout for joy’, all the while giving this man the stinkiest of stink eyes for not singing.”

Eyewitnesses confirmed that the man tried maintaining eye contact with Ms. Ball for a couple verses, but ultimately had to look away sharply, blinking rapidly several times.

Ms. Ball was unavailable to answer questions after Mass; however, the Music Ministry Chairman gave AoftheA News a prepared statement.

“Ms. Ball, a professional cantor, takes the responsibility of leading the congregation in song and praise very seriously. When she sees any person willfully refusing to actively participate, she may at times attempt to engage the non-singer and encourage them through the use of effective non-verbal cues to participate. These gentle, welcoming cues may range from disappointed frowns to knitted, furrowed brows, and in more severe cases, from guilt-ridden stares to slow burning lingering gazes. Just so we all understand each other.”

Attempts to locate and interview the man were unsuccessful.

Photo credit: BostonCatholic via Visualhunt / CC BY-ND

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | Comments Off on PARISH REPORT: Cantor Glares Severely at Man not Singing Responsorial Psalm