PARISH REPORT: Cantor Fined for Failing to Raise Arm During Responsorial Psalm

(AoftheANews) – MUSKEGON – 2018 started out on a costly note for cantor Mary Mel O’Deeze at Sts. Sonny & Cher, as the Worship Committee fined her $200 for failing to raise her arm during the Responsorial Psalm during the 9:30 AM Mass last Sunday.

“Proper worship forms are taken very seriously here,” committee chair Rick Rowled told AoftheA News. “Failure to clearly indicate to the congregation when they are supposed to sing is an egregious offense to the Lord, and won’t be tolerated here.”

Along with the fine, Ms. O’Deeze has been suspended for the next four weeks, and will have to attend a two-week Cantor Rehabilitation program offered by the diocese.

In a prepared statement to the community, Ms. O’Deeze wrote in part: “I deeply apologize to the community at Sts. Sonny & Cher for letting you all down last Sunday, and I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me, for having negatively impacted your worship experience.”

“The penalty may seem steep to some,” Mr. Rowled said, “but I have a saying: You either can’t, or cantor, but you can’t not cantor halfway. Personally, I think Ms. O’Deeze does a fantastic job, and I’m looking forward to her return, and leading the congregation properly and professionally.”

Several parishioners told AoftheA News after Mass that they had felt confused and unsure of what to do during the Responsorial Psalm due to Ms O’Deeze’s gaffe, and thus refused to applaud her performance afterward.

Photo by Trocaire on Visualhunt / CC BY

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | 2 Comments

The Top 10 Acts of the Apostasy Posts of 2017

2017 was an interesting year at Acts of the Apostasy. I’m sure y’all noticed that blogging was heavily weighted towards the first half of the year – 46 posts through May – while the latter months only featured 28 posts. Yeah. Sorry about that. Real Life™ issues took precedence – circumstances arose that sapped most of my time, effort, and mental acuity, leaving little or close to no energy to devote to the blog. And November was Nanowrimo – and yep, I hit the goal of 50,000 words again this year.

I may divulge about said circumstances when they are over and done with – it’s nothing tragic, I assure you. Just a royal pain in the tuckus. Suffice it to say, upon eclipsing the 1st quarter of 2018, I’ll hopefully have more freedom to write, providing you, my faithful readers, with thoughtful and entertaining material. Until then, you’ll just have to suffer with the rest of the world, scraping by on the measly, hastily written posts and cheater memes I might have time to cobble together. Time will tell.

In the meantime, you can satisfy your cravings with this end-of-the-year list, the Top Ten Acts of the Apostasy Posts of 2017, as determined by page views per post. You probably deserve more than a compilation of links and whatnot, but count your blessings – this is what you’re getting.

10. Bishop: “The Virgin Mary Has Not Appeared in Medjugorge” (2/28/2017)

Here we are, though, 36 years later, and the issue remains unresolved. Part of the reason is because the alleged apparitions and locutions are still happening – according to the visionaries, of course. Another reason is that the alleged visionaries seem to be in defiance of their bishop. Yet another reason is that Medjugorje remains rather popular. Perhaps lucrative, too.

9. Pope Francis Approves Miracle Attributed to Solanus Casey (5/4/2017)

Early this morning, Pope Francis authorized the Congregation for the Causes of the Saints to promulgate several decrees, the first of which was a miracle attributed to the intercession of Venerable Servant of God Fr Solanus Casey. This decree will lead to his beatification, which will declare him Blessed Solanus Casey. This is fantastic news!

8. Suicide and the Torment of Numbness (6/20/2017)

A friend of mine and I speak frequently about how we’re living in The Land of Suck. Every once in awhile, it seems that we’re on the verge of emigrating, of getting out. But it’s just an illusion. Just when you think you’re about to cross the border, you blink and find yourself back at the intersection of State and Main, smack dab in the center of town, in the capital of the Land of Suck. And then you realize – Christ hasn’t returned yet to liberate us. And the suck is different for everyone.

7. PARISH REPORT: Pastor Revealed Parish Secrets to Russian Orthodox Visitors, Sources Say (5/17/2017)

“As pastor, he has the right to declassify any information he wants,” one source told AoftheA News. “But it’s a trust issue. Not to mention he knows it’s parish policy to not reveal the parish picnic theme until after Memorial Day. Huge breach in protocol, and puts at risk our ability as a parish council to determine themes for future events.”

6. God and Hemorrhoids (5/11/2017)

I can imagine how it went down for the artisans. The Philistine priests went to them and said “Okay, we’ll be randomly selecting some of you to make five golden mice, and others to make five golden hemorrhoids.” They each muttered to themselves “Pickmeformice pickmeformice pickmeformice…”

5. “Jesus Supped With His Apostles” (3/27/2017)

4. OnePeterFive Announces Move to Patheos (4/1/2017)

Other Patheos writers declined to comment for this article, though one said resignedly: “Well, the Church commands that we welcome the stranger, and for the life of me, I can’t think of anyone stranger.”

3. Whenever I See Communion Line Blessings… (3/8/2017)

This is serious business. So much so, the CDW explicitly discourages the practice. And while this private response doesn’t have the force of universal law – it seems the CDW is still studying the issue – the reasons for discouraging the practice are persuasive. I wonder how many people – clergy and laity alike – are aware of the CDW’s statement.

2. PARISH REPORT: Area Man Transitioning from Novus Ordo to TLM Catholic (3/15/2017)

“He’s still our son, and I’m proud of his courage and bravery,” Mrs Tayshin explained. “He’s the same person regardless of how he self-identifies. We will always love him. I just hope he doesn’t lose his passion for social justice issues, or stops being a nice person, once his transition finalizes.”

1. Pope Francis Uses Fidget Spinner to Explain God During Homily (5/16/2017)

Burke said The Vatican is currently in discussions with local manufacturers to develop and market a Pope Francis spinner, tentatively called ‘The Papal Plane’. “Since the Holy Father’s interviews have caused a lot of nervous fidgeting and head-spinning during his pontificate, it seemed the logical choice.”

The fidget spinner post continues to get hits, exceeding 68,000 page views to date. What makes me still laugh about it, was how many people thought it was a legit story. I read online accounts, on Facebook and elsewhere, of priests and deacons referencing it in their homilies the subsequent weekend. Makes blogging worthwhile.

Any particular post from the past year that resonated with you, or made you laugh? I’d love to hear about it!

Happy New Year, and may God bless you and yours in the upcoming year. I appreciate your patronage, likes, shares, and comments. Thanks for reading in 2017 and sticking with me – more Parish Reports and memes are on the way! Maybe some contests and new features too. And don’t forget about Sister Patricia Owens O’Flannery! She might contribute the odd post or three as well!

Posted in 15 Minutes Of Fame, Catholic Blogs, Fun Stuff, New Year's Day, Odds and Ends, Top Ten Lists | Comments Off on The Top 10 Acts of the Apostasy Posts of 2017

Meanwhile, at the USCCB…

That’s right folks – since the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God, falls on a Monday in 2018, the precept to attend Mass is abrogated. It’s been this way in the United States since 1992.

It’s almost as if the U.S. bishops don’t take being Catholic all that seriously, and then act surprised when their flock obliges them. Weird, huh?

Reminds me of a quote from Dom Jean-Baptiste Chautard: “If the priest is a saint, the people will be fervent; if the priest is fervent, the people will be pious; if the priest is pious, the people will at least be decent; if the priest is only decent, the people will be godless.”

Be more than decent and go to Mass Monday – show your Mother you love her.

Posted in Bishops, Holy Days of Obligation, memes, USCCB | 1 Comment

Merry Christmas from AoftheA

From all of us at AoftheA to all of you – may you receive the blessings, joys, peace, and consolations of the Christmas season.

Image source: via Facebook, typo and all.

Posted in Christmas | 2 Comments