John the Baptist, Current Year

Meet John the Baptist, Current Year. Patron saint of accommodation.

This is who we are now, doncha know. Catholics are writing books about it and preaching about it and everything.

Expect more John the Baptist, CY memes!

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PARISH REPORT: Church Adds ‘Blessing-Free’ Express Communion Lanes

(AoftheANews) – SAN JOSE – Beginning next Sunday, those attending Mass at Our Lady of Perpetual Groove will have the option of receiving Holy Communion in ‘Blessing-Free’ Express Lanes.

“We’re constantly seeking ways to enhance our parishioners’ Mass experience,” Holly Yoolyah, the parish Director of Hospitality, told AoftheA News. “Some of our members told us that they desired faster communion times, so this improvement is in direct response to their needs. To make them feel happier and more welcome.”

To accommodate these parishioners, EMHC’s will be stationed in the narthex at the exit doors, so that people can receive Holy Communion and then immediately leave the Church. Signs will be posted that no blessings will be given in these lanes.

“Why should we ask people who are in a hurry to leave Mass, to stand in slow moving communion lanes, make their way slowly towards the altar, wait for kids to get their blessings, or get stuck behind a shuffler or person using a walker?” Holly said. “That’s being insensitive to their needs. These express lanes will create a more loving, friendly, open environment for those people who need to be the first people out of the parking lot.”

Several parishioners told AoftheA News that they intend to use the express communion lanes next week.

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to them,” said one man. “It’s gonna save me a good five, six minutes.”

“I’m not sure how they intend to enforce the no blessing bit,” another man told AoftheA News. “What if an entire family wants to use the express lane, then what? They might need to set up a ‘Blessing Only’ Express Communion Lane, if you ask me.”

“It’s like anything new,” one woman said. “It’ll be, like, great at first, but then like everyone will be doing it, and then communion will take, like, forEVER, putting us right back where we started.”

Image created via Road Traffic Signs

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | 3 Comments

St Augustine: “I Have Other Well-Known Sayings, Too, You Know”

(AoftheANews) St. Augustine made a surprise visit to the editorial offices of AoftheA this morning, on the occasion of his feast day to air a complaint.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he said. “I’m eternally joyful at being a saint, and having been declared a Doctor of the Church. Deo Gratias and all that. But really – ‘Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee’ wasn’t the only memorable thing I said during my lifetime.

“One quick look at Catholic social media, you’d think that that’s the only important thing I’ve ever said! Sure, I’m proud of that one, to a certain extent. But there are quotes literally dripping off every page of Confessions – as well as my other books – yet that one gets picked.nearly.every.time. I’m feeling pigeon-holed. I have other well-known sayings, too, you know. How about ‘Oh Lord, give me chastity, but not just yet’? Or maybe ‘He who created us without our help will not save us without our consent’? Here’s another good one: ‘God loves each of us as if there were only one of us’? I even wrote a few jokes, for goodness sakes, but no one quotes those.”

When asked if he had his own favorite quote, St Augustine smiled and replied: “‘Thanks for not giving up on me, Mom.’

(Updated from a post originally posted 8/28/2012)

Image in the Public Domain via Wikimedia

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Jesus Is Watching

Taking “graven images” to a whole new level.

A part of me wants this for my tombstone. This is so wrong, it’s almost right.

h/t Catholic Memes

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