(AoftheANews) – HEAVEN – Recently deceased local man Chip Ennis Schuldurr announced his disappointment that he wasn’t transformed into an angel upon reaching the Pearly Gates early this morning.
“I feel kinda misled,” he told AoftheA News. “All during the wake and after my funeral, family and friends kept saying ‘Heaven’s gained another angel’, or ‘He’s got his angel wings now’. And yet, here I am, still the same ol’ me. Just a soul worshiping the almighty God for eternity.”
Despite not becoming an angel as he had been led to believe, Schuldurr doesn’t regret making it to heaven, to be in communion with Jesus, Mary, all the holy saints of God, and the countless legions of actual angels for unending everlastingness.
“Don’t get me wrong – I’m infinitely happy to be enjoying the Beatific Vision. Just thought that having wings would’ve been cool as heck.”
Schuldurr went on to say that his beatification during Thursday’s funeral Mass was inaccurate and premature. “I know Father meant well during his homily, that I was in heaven and all. But you see, I died last Monday, and I went to Purgatory after my particular judgment. Father oughta know better, but he’s a boomer, so whaddya gonna do, right? Fortunately, with today being the first Saturday of January, turns out the Rosary Guild’s prayers for all the lost souls freed me up right quick this morning – along with a bunch of other folks. If you could thank them for me, I’d be very appreciative.
“Oh, and could you tell my family we don’t become angels? That’s just dumb, and they need to stop saying that.”
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