People love horror movies, and research has shown that Catholics love horror movies, too (research has also shown that Catholics are people, so there ya go!). Research has also shown that there are very few, if any, Catholic horror movies. I mean, there was The Last Temptation of Christ, but beyond that – not much. Sure, lots of horror movies include Catholic imagery and iconography, like Satan, Hell, exorcisms, end times stuff, Jesuits…but that’s the extent of it. This has to be fixed, post haste.
To solve this problem, the AoftheA Entertainment Division met up Friday night, armed with Doritos, White Castles, a couple cases of Monster, and PDF’s of parish bulletins from all over the US. They held an all-night brain-storming session, and long after the sun rose the following morning, they emerged with a list of the Top 10 Catholic Horror Movies That Need To Be Made Right Now. In no particular order:
10. The Parish Picnic: It was scheduled to last four hours on a Sunday. It lasted an eternity.
9. It Came From RCIA: One man’s journey into inescapable horror, finding he knows more about the faith than the instructors.
8. Sub-Committees: A woman volunteers for a Church committee, learns it creates countless out-of-control sub-committees, and only she has the power to defeat it.
7. The Confessional: Afraid of confession? You should be.
6. The Thurible of Doom: It’s incensed and seeking vengeance.
5. The Last Diocesan Appeal Campaign: Putting the pain in “Campaign” – and you will pay every penny.
4. Day of the Catechism Class Sign-up: The forms, the phone calls, the run-around…is there no escape from this hell???
3. Attack of the EHMCs: They emerge from the shadows during Mass and swarm the altar…and they’re out for your body and your blood.
2. Pewsitter: Catholic blogger learns an aggregator site devours souls and destroys faithful blogs with awfully written headlines, and his site is next on its list.
1. I’m Fr. Jim Martin, and I’m Your New Pastor: Needs no explanation.
That last one might be too scary.
Anyway, guys, this is important. Petition EWTN right now. They need to get to work – hire writers, scope out locations, hold auditions, get financial backing. Catholic filmmakers and producers have to jump on this train while it’s still in the station. They gotta get their butts on board before someone green lights Friday the 13th, part XXXIV.
Return to The Catholic Conspiracy