(AoftheANews) – AUSTIN – Calling it “Christian reporting’s most important week of the year”, Austin resident Skip Tumahlew expressed excitement over the inevitable blasphemies and distortions the mainstream media will publish summarizing Catholic teaching throughout the week leading up to Easter Sunday.
“I’m looking forward to it a lot,” he told AoftheA News. “Every year at this time, the media tells me what they think Catholics really believe about Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection. Great conversation fodder at Easter dinner with my family.”
Tumahlew’s eyes sparkled with anticipation. “Holy Week is when the media shines, it’s diligence on full display, as it digs deep and accurately reports on established dogmas and doctrines of the Church, by completely avoiding authoritative texts like Church documents and the Catechism. Rather, they interview respected Catholic theologians like Dan Brown, Bishop Spong, the Dalai Lama, and Neil deGrasse Tyson, to definitively explain the Catholic faith. So you can imagine how excited I am to learn what fresh, new level of Hell the media will descend to this year.
“Yeah, I have the most credible sources on my newsfeed: CNN, Time, Huffington Post, National Catholic Reporter, Patheos Catholic…one of them is bound to report some ‘groundbreaking, faith-shattering discovery’, or announce a new Gospel’s been found, or declare The Real Jesus.”
Tumahlew is hoping for something contemporary this year. “The media’s been off it’s A-game the past few years. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but it’s like they’re no longer trying. We’ve had Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, Jesus had children, Jesus faked his death, it really wasn’t Jesus who was crucified, Jesus didn’t rise from dead, Jesus was gay, Jesus was queer, Jesus didn’t know who he was, Jesus was anti-establishment. I really hope they uncover something original this year – maybe come at it from the SJW angle, or “assumed gender” issue. My bet is on white male privilege.”
Whether the media reports lies and misrepresentations or not, Tumahlew still expects to have a fruitful Holy Week. “Even if the media drops the ball, I’m sure Pope Francis will say something complicated or controversial, so there’s at least that. Besides, Advent will be here before we know it.”
Return to The Catholic Conspiracy