Simplifying Lent

Here we are, several days past Ash Wednesday, and I haven’t failed Lent.

Much.

I came to the realization, however, that I had made Lent complicated, and it needed simplification. Oh, I’m not straying from the Church’s proscriptions of prayer, penance, and almsgiving. I’m merely scrapping the complexity I had created and starting anew with one, simplified, Lenten challenge.

I didn’t say I was making Lent simple.

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PARISH REPORT: Police Respond to 40 Days of Lent Calculation Dispute during Coffee Hour

(AoftheANews) – DUNDEE – Police were called to Our Lady of Just Desserts on Sunday, February 11, in response to an altercation among a group of parishioners following the 10 AM Mass. What had begun as a disagreement between two mothers turned into a near riot, resulting in the entire Dundee police force descending en masse to restore peace.

“It happened in the Social Hall,” said Dundee Police Chief Ed Cruller. “Two moms were arguing over the proper way to calculate the 40 Days of Lent, and from there it escalated out of control. Fortunately, no one was hurt during the altercation, though a platter of donut holes suffered significant damage, and could not be salvaged. Believe me, we tried.”

The women involved, May de Fource and Bea Whitchu, spoke separately with AoftheA News via telephone.

“I still don’t know what happened,” May said. “I said to Bea, it’s going to be tough coming to coffee hour when you’ve given up sweets for Lent. Bea replied with ‘but Sundays don’t count in Lent’, and we went back and forth. Next thing I know, she’s calling me ‘holier than thou’ and ‘righteous zealot’, and I think I might have thrown a chair.”

“Sunday’s don’t count,” Bea said. “That’s how you get to 40 days. Otherwise Lent is 46 days, which makes no sense. She got in my face about being a slacker, so once I finished my glazed chocolate donut holes, I might have shoved her or something. Frankly, I think May’s suffering from sugar withdrawal, because normally she’s just passive aggressive, not regular aggressive, you know?”

“We’re still taking statements, getting details,” Chief Cruller said. “From most accounts, their husbands became involved, then their kids, and then half the hall. We arrived, restored peace, and escorted parishioners off the premises. Both women have agreed to not press charges. We also confiscated the donut holes as evidence.”

The pastor, Fr Tim Bitz, told AoftheA News he appreciated the police’s quick response and restoring order. “This could have been as bad – if not worse – than Lent 2012, when I filled the holy water fonts with sand. Talk about a riot!”

Photo credit: HeatherHeatherHeather on Visual Hunt / CC BY

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PARISH REPORT: LifeTeen Mass to Feature Tide Pod Colored Hosts

(AoftheANews) – CINCINNATI – In an effort to increase attendance at their monthly LifeTeen Mass, Sts Proctor & Gamble in suburban Cincinnati will feature Tide Pod colored hosts, featuring the dark blue and orange swirl.

Director of Youth Outreach Dee Terjent explained the decision to AoftheA News. “We know it’s going to be controversial, but we want to juxtapose how ingesting actual Tide Pods is dangerous, while ingesting the Body of Christ brings you life. And cleans you up at the same time.”

Late in 2017, the “Tide Pod challenge” became the latest fad among teenagers, where they’re dared to bite into and even swallow the miniature laundry soap packets. Tide has worked diligently to increase awareness on the inherent dangers, while YouTube has been systematically removing videos from its service.

“We are in no way encouraging kids to partake of the challenge,” Terjent said. “Our goal is to tell them to think about the consequences, and don’t go along with the crowd. Kids are always going to do dumb things, but if the dumbest thing they ever do is attend a LifeTeen Mass, then I feel we’ve done our job.”

Fr. Ken Moore, pastor of Sts P&G, approved the idea. “I know I’ll get some blowback for this, but at the end of the day, I will have gotten kids to come to Church and hear a positive message. And frankly, I’m of the opinion that if more parents washed out their kids’ mouths with soap, they wouldn’t be daring one another to eat it.”

Photo credit: JeepersMedia on VisualHunt.com / CC BY

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BREAKING! Pope Francis Ordains Two Seminarians Aboard Rome Metro Underground

(AoftheANews) – VATICAN CITY – Unnamed Vatican sources told AoftheA News Vatican Bureau that Pope Francis ordained two seminarians on the Rome subway late last evening, while traveling about the city as the Holy Father is wont to do.

“He was on the A line,” one source said, “when he recognized two seminarians seated across from him. They conversed a few moments, and he asked them, would you like to be ordained? Are you prepared? Are you ready? They both said yes, so he ordained them between the Lepanto and Flaminio stations.”

This comes on the heels of the marriage he officiated on the papal plane between two flight attendants, upon his return flight from Chile last week.

The two seminarians are thought to be now-Fr Ari Vederchi and now-Fr Cal O’Seeum, both of whom were studying at the Pontifical North American College in Rome. Their identities have not been confirmed at the time of publication.

Pope Francis was also rumored to have baptized three babies in the Trevi Fountain earlier in the day, but those reports have not yet been confirmed.

Photo credit: Nicolás Eduardo Feredjian on VisualHunt.comCC BY-ND

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, AoftheA Vatican Bureau, Humor, Marriage, News That Could Be True, Pope Francis | 2 Comments