Top 10 Rejected Christmas Carols

There are plenty of awful Christmas carols out there. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. Christmas Shoes. Last Christmas. Do They Know It’s Christmas.

I won’t list more lest someone get triggered. But everybody’s got that *one* song they don’t want to hear this time of year. But did you know that there were Christmas Carols so bad, they never even got published or recorded? It’s true! Well, possibly maybe.

The AoftheA Entertainment Division dug through files, listened to demos, and sifted through submissions that even the Oregon Catholic Press rejected (that’s a mighty low bar, folks). Not all of these are religious in nature, which shouldn’t come as a surprise given that a lot of Catholics and Christians have forgotten why Christmas is celebrated in the first place.

In no particular order, here the Top Ten Rejected Christmas Carols:

10) Please Suspend my Restraining Order this Christmas
9) You’ll Love Me This Christmas (if the drug in your eggnog works)
8) Don’t Be Cheap For Christmas
7) Angels, Proclaim The Lord and His Pure Umbilical Cord!
6) If The Shepherds Brought Their Sheep, Why Can’t I Bring My Ex?
5) Have Yourself A Marijuana Christmas
4) On This Day A Nice Guy Is Born
3) I Met My Love in the Gift Return Line
2) (I’m Just A Casualty Of) The War on Christmas
1) Make Advent Great Again!

What other carols do you think were rejected? Put them in the combox, or on the AoftheA Facebook page!

Photo by MoToMo on / CC BY-SA

Posted in AoftheA Entertainment Division, Carols, Christmas, Christmas Carols, Humor, Top Ten Lists, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

PARISH REPORT: Hipster Caught Adding Gift Tags to Parish ‘Giving Tree’, Asking for Beer

(AoftheANews) – PORTLAND – Surveillance cameras at Our Lady of Unfailing Hops recorded a parishioner hanging his own gift tags onto the parish’s Giving Tree in the gathering space over a three day period during the first week of Advent. The Giving Tree is erected each Advent, and hung with tags labeled with age ranges, genders and gift suggestions for needy members of the parish and community.

“We located and confronted the suspect after the 11:00 AM Mass last Sunday,” head usher Hugh Jiweener told AoftheA News, “and he confessed to placing tags on the tree after we showed the footage to him.”

According to Jiweener, the man – identified as Phil Snurr – hung hand-written tags requesting craft beer, beard balm products, and Pink Himalayan salt. The tags were labeled “Single Hipster Male”.

“We made him remove all the tags he put on the tree,” Jiweener said. “We also found five gifts under the tree addressed to “Single Hipster Male”. We haven’t decided if we’ll give them to him, or distribute them to needier hipsters in the parish.”

Fr. M. Eric Cannlogger, pastor of Our Lady of Unfailing Hops, told AoftheA News, that while he disapproved of Snurr’s actions, he was grateful at least one hipster still attended Mass.

Photo by caitriana on Visual Hunt / CC BY-SA

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Parody, Satire | Leave a comment

PARISH REPORT: Man Charged With Hate Crime for Refusing to Hold Hands During Our Father

(AoftheANews) – CARROLLTON – Police confirmed Tuesday that a parishioner from Sts Haugen and Haas was charged with a hate crime when he refused to hold the hand of the woman standing next to him during the Our Father, at this Sunday’s 10:30 AM Mass.

“We take these things very seriously,” Lt. Mel Feezence told AoftheA News. “Hate crimes are no joking matter.”

According to witnesses, as the Our Father started, the woman (who’s name is being witheld during the course of the investigation) gestured to grasp the hand of the man next to her. He steadfastly held his hands together in prayer, despite her repeated attempts to wrest his hands apart, and hold his right hand. She became distraught at his lack of hospitality and sanctity, and immediately after Holy Communion, dialed 9-1-1. The police waited in the gathering space to arrest the man once Mass ended.

“We’ve identified the alleged perp as Mr. Trey Dishun, charged him with a hate crime, and took him to the county jail,” Feezence said. “It’s sad these things still happen in the post-Vatican II church, but what can you do? The woman felt violated, that her right to hold the hand of darn well anyone she wants to was denied.”

Other witnesses told AoftheA News that Dishun routinely refrained from applauding at the end of Mass, and most times received Communion on the tongue.

“Blatant acts of hate and intolerance will not be tolerated,” Fr. Kyle Clappy said. “I hope this serves as an example to all, that you have to love your neighbor in whatever way we say you have to.”

Photo by houstondwi_photos on / CC BY-SA

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | 3 Comments

How to Properly Commemorate #ReformationDay

Happy Reformation Day! If you decide to commemorate it, this is the best way to do it:

(Don’t know who made the meme, so I can’t attribute it. So funny.)

Posted in Catholic Stuff, Ecumenism Gone Wild, Humor | Comments Off on How to Properly Commemorate #ReformationDay