PARISH REPORT: Hipster Caught Adding Gift Tags to Parish ‘Giving Tree’, Asking for Beer

(AoftheANews) – PORTLAND – Surveillance cameras at Our Lady of Unfailing Hops recorded a parishioner hanging his own gift tags onto the parish’s Giving Tree in the gathering space over a three day period during the first week of Advent. The Giving Tree is erected each Advent, and hung with tags labeled with age ranges, genders and gift suggestions for needy members of the parish and community.

“We located and confronted the suspect after the 11:00 AM Mass last Sunday,” head usher Hugh Jiweener told AoftheA News, “and he confessed to placing tags on the tree after we showed the footage to him.”

According to Jiweener, the man – identified as Phil Snurr – hung hand-written tags requesting craft beer, beard balm products, and Pink Himalayan salt. The tags were labeled “Single Hipster Male”.

“We made him remove all the tags he put on the tree,” Jiweener said. “We also found five gifts under the tree addressed to “Single Hipster Male”. We haven’t decided if we’ll give them to him, or distribute them to needier hipsters in the parish.”

Fr. M. Eric Cannlogger, pastor of Our Lady of Unfailing Hops, told AoftheA News, that while he disapproved of Snurr’s actions, he was grateful at least one hipster still attended Mass.

Photo by caitriana on Visual Hunt / CC BY-SA

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Parody, Satire | Leave a comment

PARISH REPORT: Man Charged With Hate Crime for Refusing to Hold Hands During Our Father

(AoftheANews) – CARROLLTON – Police confirmed Tuesday that a parishioner from Sts Haugen and Haas was charged with a hate crime when he refused to hold the hand of the woman standing next to him during the Our Father, at this Sunday’s 10:30 AM Mass.

“We take these things very seriously,” Lt. Mel Feezence told AoftheA News. “Hate crimes are no joking matter.”

According to witnesses, as the Our Father started, the woman (who’s name is being witheld during the course of the investigation) gestured to grasp the hand of the man next to her. He steadfastly held his hands together in prayer, despite her repeated attempts to wrest his hands apart, and hold his right hand. She became distraught at his lack of hospitality and sanctity, and immediately after Holy Communion, dialed 9-1-1. The police waited in the gathering space to arrest the man once Mass ended.

“We’ve identified the alleged perp as Mr. Trey Dishun, charged him with a hate crime, and took him to the county jail,” Feezence said. “It’s sad these things still happen in the post-Vatican II church, but what can you do? The woman felt violated, that her right to hold the hand of darn well anyone she wants to was denied.”

Other witnesses told AoftheA News that Dishun routinely refrained from applauding at the end of Mass, and most times received Communion on the tongue.

“Blatant acts of hate and intolerance will not be tolerated,” Fr. Kyle Clappy said. “I hope this serves as an example to all, that you have to love your neighbor in whatever way we say you have to.”

Photo by houstondwi_photos on Visualhunt.com / CC BY-SA

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | 3 Comments

How to Properly Commemorate #ReformationDay

Happy Reformation Day! If you decide to commemorate it, this is the best way to do it:

(Don’t know who made the meme, so I can’t attribute it. So funny.)

Posted in Catholic Stuff, Ecumenism Gone Wild, Humor | Comments Off on How to Properly Commemorate #ReformationDay

Want to Pray for the Unborn? There’s an App for That!

Unless you use an iPhone.

Several years ago, the pro-life group Human Coalition developed an app that “brings together praying people from across the country for one purpose: to pray for abortion-determined individuals as they walk through their life-decision process.” The app had been available on both Android and iPhone platforms, until last week, when Apple removed it from their app store apparently in response to pro-abortion media criticism.

From LifeNews.com:

This time, a pro-life group tells LifeNews that Apple approved and subsequently removed its app from the App Store after criticism from abortion activists and liberal media outlets. As Human Coalition informs LifeNews, it released a mobile app allowing pro-life individuals and church groups to pray for Human Coalition’s abortion-seeking clients, who remain anonymous, in real time. The app, “Human Coalition,” was available for android devices in the Google Play Store, and in the Apple App Store for iOS.

After that, this past summer, the pro-life group came under intense public criticism as pro-abortion journalists took notice of the app and began attacking Human Coalition for urging pro-life people to pray for women contemplating abortion. Some articles falsely accused Human Coalition of making public women’s private information.

[…]

“In July, on the heels of pro-abortion media pushback, Apple notified us that they had removed the Human Coalition app from the App Store, citing violations of certain functionality requirements. However, Human Coalition spoke with Apple and demonstrated that not only were the cited requirements met, but that the Human Coalition app exceeded minimum requirements and functioned better than similar apps from other developers,” it said.

The app is still available in Google Play Store – I downloaded it last week, and have begun using it. It’s free, simple to navigate, and allows people to direct their prayers for women considering abortion in real time. It’s not an end-all be-all, and Human Coalition doesn’t advertise it as such. I’ve incorporated it into my daily morning prayer routine, recognizing it as another tool in the pro-life toolbox designed to save lives, help women, and end abortion through the power of prayer.

Apple caved to pro-abort pressure, which in my opinion is a terrible business decision. You’d think Apple would prefer potential customers over dead babies who’ll never buy their products, but what do I know.

And you iPhone users? Apple ought to feel some intense pro-life criticism for this decision – tell them you’re pissed off, or that you’ll switch phones. They don’t care about the unborn – so why should you care about their phones?

Image source: Human Coalition (Free social graphics)

Posted in Abortion, Culture of Death, Culture of Life, Internet, Pro-Life, Technology | Comments Off on Want to Pray for the Unborn? There’s an App for That!