PARISH REPORT: Main Aisle Reconstruction Project to Cause Communion Delays

Church Aisle Construction Humor

(AoftheANews) MADISON – A long-awaited construction project at Our Lady of Lane Closures began on Monday – the widening and resurfacing of the church’s main aisle. Communion will be restricted to one line throughout the project, with traffic shifted to the left side while the right side is worked upon. Lane restriction will be reversed once the right hand side resurfacing is completed.

“The project is expected to be finished by the end of September,” Fr Hiram ‘Hi’ Tachi told AoftheA News. “We’re adding a third communion line to accommodate higher traffic volumes, to help speed up Mass. Construction crews will be working nights and some mornings to avoid interfering with the Masses. There are a couple weddings scheduled during the construction, but I’m confident the brides won’t mind.”

Ushers have been instructed to try and divert traffic to the side aisles, and to be on the lookout for ‘line rage’, especially when parishioners make their way to the exits after receiving Holy Communion.

“It might get dicey, sure. People’s tempers tend to flare up in a construction zone,” Fr Tachi said. “I’m hopeful everyone will be courteous to their fellow parishioners during this time, and exercise patience.”

Most parishioners AoftheA News spoke with understood the need for the construction, and are trying to see the bright side of the ensuing delays.

“It won’t be fun, that’s for sure,” a woman told AoftheA News. “It’ll be worth it once it’s finished, though. Should cut down on my commute by a couple minutes at least.”

“Hey, it’s Wisconsin – we have two seasons,” one man said. “Winter and construction. So what else is new?”

“At least they’re not doing this during Easter or Christmas,” one woman said. “Can you imagine the back ups and problems then, with the higher traffic volumes?”

When construction ends and the last orange traffic cone is hauled away, Mass times are expected to be shortened by up to four minutes.

Original photo credit: ~MVI~ (warped) via Visualhunt / CC BY

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | 1 Comment

NCRegister Fires Mark Shea, Detractors Shamefully Gleeful

Screen-Shot-2015-06-09-at-1.43.46-PM-1080x675

Over the weekend, Mark Shea – apologist and blogger at Catholic and Enjoying It! at Patheos – is now a former blogger for the National Catholic Register. Below is the Register’s statement (it’s not officially official – it doesn’t appear on the Register’s site. Rather, it seems to have been leaked to Mark’s detractors first, which seems odd to me, but whatever):

“The Register is no longer publishing blogs or commentaries submitted by Mark Shea. Mark’s writings at the NCRegister.com or published in our print edition were within our editorial guidelines. However, his writings and engagement on other forums were irreconcilable with our editorial vision or standards of charitable discussion.”

This has made many of his detractors happy. They couch their glee by saying the Register is becoming more orthodox, and not that he’s lost a means of income for his family. For what it’s worth – and I admit, my opinion isn’t worth all that much, but still – I’ll extend the benefit of the doubt, but their words seem rather plain in the telling. Below are several screen shots from other Catholic blogs and Twitter feeds that reveal the depths of their contempt.

eponymous

throwbums

angelqueen

roratetweet

The point of this post isn’t to argue whether or not the Register was right to fire him. Nor is it a defense of Mark’s behavior that led to his dismissal. Mark published earlier today that he’s accepted responsibility for his dismissal. It takes a courageous, brave person to admit his sins publicly – several times, over the course of his blogging career – and I, for one, applaud his apology. It took humility, and guts.

What doesn’t take guts is kicking a man when he’s down. It can’t be stressed enough, that his detractors’ apparent glee is despicable and brokers no justification and is deserved of every condemnation. Mark wasn’t fired for promoting heresy, as some have charged. He is not better suited for the National Catholic Reporter, as Rorate Caeli suggested on Twitter – he opposes all their doctrinal arguments and false positions. Mark may suffer from many faults – and who among us doesn’t? – but heresy and heterodoxy aren’t among them. To those individuals defaming his name: what you are doing is shameful and sinful, and brings injury to the body of Christ. I don’t say this to excuse Mark’s sins – he isn’t excusing them, either – but to strongly suggest you cease your gloating and masturbatory self-congratulating.

Mark’s blog was one of the first I ever read upon my discovery of Catholic blogs, and I’ve appreciated his wit, wisdom, and explanations of the faith. I’m grateful for the times he’s promoted my posts in the past – I’ve always considered that an honor. While we may not see eye to eye on some prudential matters, and most political ones, I consider him a stalwart brother-in-arms for defending all that is good, true, and beautiful.

Which is more than I can say about those who are happy he’s been fired.

UPDATE: The Register has fired Simcha Fisher, too.

Image credit: per Mark Shea

Posted in All The World's A Blog And We Are Merely Posters, Catholic Bloggers, Catholic Blogs, Hell Is Other People, Just My Opinion But You Know I'm Right | 8 Comments

PARISH REPORT: Summer Parish Funfair Marred by Doping Scandal

8095344094_7bc3ce8452_c

(AoftheANews) CHICAGO – A local parish has been rocked by a scandal made public this week, as allegations of doping have been leveled against a parishioner who continually and consistently beat the Strongman Game at the annual parish Summer Funfair.

Members of St Conan’s in northeast Chicago were shocked to learn that the Parish Council brought the accusation against 71-year old Max Powers.  At the late-July Parish Funfair, he won all 15 attempts in the Strongman Game, where the contestant hits a plate with a wooden sledgehammer, forcing a short metal tube to rise up a 10-ft high shaft and ring a bell.

“We’re investigating the use of illegal steroids or human growth hormones,” the parish council president told AoftheA News. “They’re strictly forbidden by Canon Law, and the Archdiocese of Chicago is committed to rooting out every abuse related to parish funfairs.”

Penalties for doping include a three year ban on attending parish funfairs, and a possible excommunication. That particular judgment is left up to the discretion of the archbishop.

“We don’t expect Max to be excommunicated,” the parish council president said. “But this is still a serious charge.”

Max was unavailable for comment. If found guilty, he has to return all the stuffed animals he won for his 73-year old wife Eva, and maybe go to confession.

Photo credit: amanderson2 via Visualhunt.com / CC BY

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | Leave a comment

What Mary Didn’t Say Today…

mary assumption feast catholic catholicism

…most likely.

Blessed Feast of the Assumption to you all!

Posted in Feast of the Assumption, Humor, Mary | Leave a comment