BREAKING! Pope Francis Asks Bishops ‘Why Do We Want All These People from Shithole Denominations Coming Here?’

(AoftheANews) – VATICAN CITY – Unconfirmed reports coming from Rome seem to indicate that during a meeting with bishops and staff on Thursday, in preparation for Lent and the Easter holiday, Pope Francis is rumored to have remarked “Why do we want all these people from shithole denominations coming here?” The question was apparently in reference to the larger-than-expected number of individuals planning to convert to Catholicism in 2018.

Several bishops, requesting anonymity, told the AoftheA News Vatican Bureau that they were appalled upon hearing the alleged question. “This is the sort of comment that serves to undermine ecumenism rather than encourage it,” one bishop said. “Describing other denominations as ‘shithole’ is unbecoming, regardless that it’s true.”

A spokesman for the papal office told AoftheA News that the comment, if it had been said, was most likely being taken out of context, or probably just a translation error.

“The Pope’s ‘shithole’ remark – if it had been said – is being received much differently inside of the Vatican than it is outside of it. Though this might enrage Rome, staffers predict the purported comment will resonate with his base, much like his attacks on self-absorbed promethean neopelagianists.”

Leaders of the world’s denominations have denounced the alleged statement, saying that describing their faiths as ‘shitholes’ implied that the Catholic Church was the pillar and foundation of the truth, and that was hurtful.

Photo credit: Aleteia Image Partners on VisualHunt / CC BY-SA

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, AoftheA Vatican Bureau, Humor, Parody, Satire | 6 Comments

PARISH REPORT: Ice Cream Social Turns Rough When Fat-free Yogurt Is Served

(AoftheANews) – BURLINGTON – Families of St. Baskins & Robbins parish were outraged last Saturday night when fat-free yogurt was served at their school’s annual Ice Cream Social. Styrofoam bowls and plastic spoons were strewn about, and globs of the frozen fakery lay in half-melted puddles on the school gymnasium floor. Many parents demanded a refund, and witnesses reported that numerous children were inconsolable, repeatedly asking why there was no real ice cream.

“This is an outrage!” one mother told AoftheA News. “It’s bad enough the Sunday homilies are watered down and flavorless; does the ice cream have to be as well?”

Organizers for the event said that they got a “fantastic deal” on bulk fat-free yogurt, and saved hundreds of dollars. They didn’t realize the change was going to cause this much of a backlash.

“If we had known, we would have done things differently,” one organizer said, requesting anonymity. “But still, getting worked up and upset isn’t the solution. If they piled on more toppings, like fruit, sprinkles, and chocolate syrup, they’d hardly notice the difference.”

One father, with tearful children in tow, said he now understood how Jesus felt upon seeing the moneychangers in the temple. “I’m ready to flip some tables,” he told AoftheA News. “That’s how angry I am.”

“It’s a scandal that of all places, a Catholic school would serve food that is an abomination before our Lord,” one woman complained. “Maybe a Methodist school, but certainly not here!”

Several organizers confided that next year’s social will feature actual ice cream, but if they see good deals on generic whipped cream or carob chips, they’re jumping on them.

Photo by chelle_1278 on / CC BY-ND

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | Leave a comment

Jesus Is Not Your Political Party Poster Boy

Saw this meme on Facebook yesterday – hadn’t heard of John Fugelsang before this (he’s an actor/comedian, which makes him a highly qualified theologian, doncha know ). One thing I do know is, logic and critical thinking are not his strong suits.

But rather than snarkily poke holes in his #FakeGoodNews and pick-and-choose Gospel, and argue over his overt obvious political leanings – and hopefully we all agree that Jesus transcends what passes for modern-day politics, of any stripe – I prefer to have Servant of God Madeleine Delbrêl counter Fugelsang’s assertion that Jesus stands for All The Things My Political Party Believes (excerpts from We, the Ordinary People of the Streets):

Preach the Gospel – the Good News of the Kingdom of God and not that of a better world. We cannot let ourselves forget that salvation is a “one way” street: it can only come from God through Christ.

We cannot allow ourselves to mix up the Good News of salvation with the various recipes for happiness bandied about by the world. We cannot allow ourselves to give credit to the world for certain key notions that are in fact segments of the Gospel that have been taken out of their context and taken over by certain sectors of society. We cannot allow ourselves selves to let Christ’s message be welded to other messages, making it a moment in man’s salvation of man, putting the Gospel at the service of causes that are not purely and simply those of salvation.

The Gospel cries out from one end to the other that God alone is, that the world on its own is incapable of producing life, truth, or love. The kingdom of heaven is the personal love of God, through Christ, for each one of us, and the love of each one of us for each one of the others. It is through loving each one in particular that we are able to love humanity. Each one of us is meant to receive the Gospel. Salvation is not a collective abstraction.

And here:

Instead of the various forms of “economic” liberation that the world preaches, which, looked at more closely, are nothing but the granting of a certain comfort within the bonds of human needs, Christ proclaims liberation from evil. Now, though many Christians accept this liberation from evil in their personal life, most of them accept the tyranny of evil in its social manifestations.

Some of them, on the one hand, divide their life in two and insert a sincere Christian life into a framework that has been constructed by the world, a framework they believe they are powerless to change: employers, careers once considered liberal, businesses. Some, on the other hand, believing all of these sectors of society to be definitively “possessed” by the spirit of evil, flee in the name of poverty and love into the mass of the small and the poor. This is the withdrawal of countless bourgeois or intellectual lectual elements into the proletariat.

If this stage seems necessary for a new springtime of the Gospel, it seems nevertheless to be merely a stage and perhaps the easiest one. There is no class in the Gospel that is “condemned by heaven.” The social status of people seems irrelevant to Christ. In the Gospel, it is the small people that he requires to abandon their jobs. But he doesn’t tell Lazarus or the centurion or Nicodemus to become fishermen: he requires something completely different: a renewal of heart, an essential conversion that “will make all things new” in each of their lives. St. Paul does not attack slavery itself; it’s the hearts of the Christians who have been evangelized by him that are no longer able to tolerate owning slaves.

And finally, and perhaps most importantly:

The personal love of Christ, “He calls each one by name” – he does not call a category. He knows each one of us “as the Father knows the Son.” It is up to us to rediscover this personal love “of one person for another.” This love has been distorted through the “social” definitions that we pin to our brothers and tag each other with. We have lost the ability to encounter each other as one human being meeting another in his individual simplicity. We no longer know how to call each other by name.

We cannot pigeon-hole Jesus into a paradigm that assuages our political leanings – right, left, or centrist. He is not anybody’s political party poster boy. We cannot tag and identify those with whom we disagree into a “social definition”, as Madeleine wrote. If we truly wish to be transformed by Christ, if we truly profess to be his disciples, then we have to do the hard work of putting into action the personal love of one person for another, not the easy work of making trite, trope-ish memes that merely reinforce belief in ourselves and not proclaim belief in Christ. Nowhere does the meme state that Jesus is the Son of God who died and rose again to save us from our sins. Maybe Fugelsang believes as such, but it’s not obvious from the meme, and if that’s not first, foremost, and final, then all that follows is folly, foolish, and best forgotten.

ps. Madeleine Delbrêl rocks. Get her book.

Posted in 15 Minutes Of Fame, Faith, Internet, Liberalism, Madeleine Delbrel, memes, Progressive-speak, The Progressive Bible | 1 Comment

Man Disappointed He’s Not an Angel Upon Reaching Heaven

(AoftheANews) – HEAVEN – Recently deceased local man Chip Ennis Schuldurr announced his disappointment that he wasn’t transformed into an angel upon reaching the Pearly Gates early this morning.

“I feel kinda misled,” he told AoftheA News. “All during the wake and after my funeral, family and friends kept saying ‘Heaven’s gained another angel’, or ‘He’s got his angel wings now’. And yet, here I am, still the same ol’ me. Just a soul worshiping the almighty God for eternity.”

Despite not becoming an angel as he had been led to believe, Schuldurr doesn’t regret making it to heaven, to be in communion with Jesus, Mary, all the holy saints of God, and the countless legions of actual angels for unending everlastingness.

“Don’t get me wrong – I’m infinitely happy to be enjoying the Beatific Vision. Just thought that having wings would’ve been cool as heck.”

Schuldurr went on to say that his beatification during Thursday’s funeral Mass was inaccurate and premature. “I know Father meant well during his homily, that I was in heaven and all. But you see, I died last Monday, and I went to Purgatory after my particular judgment. Father oughta know better, but he’s a boomer, so whaddya gonna do, right? Fortunately, with today being the first Saturday of January, turns out the Rosary Guild’s prayers for all the lost souls freed me up right quick this morning – along with a bunch of other folks. If you could thank them for me, I’d be very appreciative.

“Oh, and could you tell my family we don’t become angels? That’s just dumb, and they need to stop saying that.”

Photo on VisualHunt

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Heaven, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parody | Comments Off on Man Disappointed He’s Not an Angel Upon Reaching Heaven