Pope Francis: “US Election is a Great Distraction Allowing Me to Get Away With More Stuff”

pope francis catholic election humor conspiracy

(AoftheANews) – ROME – Anonymous sources in the Vatican have indicated that Pope Francis is closely following the hotly contested US Presidential election, reportedly calling it a “great distraction from all the changes I’m making, allowing me to get away with more stuff.”

“He’s really pleased the election is front and center,” one priest told AoftheA Vatican Bureau under the condition of anonymity. “If Catholic bloggers and commentators argue and fight over which candidate to support, they’ll be less likely to notice him destroying the deposit of faith.”

Another source stated that Pope Francis doesn’t care who wins on November 8, just as long as the result causes Catholic bloggers to pay closer attention to that, instead of all the horrible, terrible changes he inflicting on the universal Church.

“A replay of Bush-Gore would be certainly be in the Holy Father’s favor,” the anonymous source said. “That way most of the self-absorbed Promethean Neo-Pelagians will be preoccupied while he does away with the all-male priesthood, half the Marian dogmas, a number of the Ten Commandments, and God knows what else. Kind of like when the Eye of Sauron shifted its gaze from Frodo and the One Ring, to the Black Gate as King Aragorn and the Men of Gondor approached. Then he’ll be able to climb Mt Doom safely.”

“Protracted post-election mayhem would be a godsend, really,” a Vatican spokesman said. “It would give him more time to implement the Modernist, heretical changes he’s always wanted, with less whining from the Catholic blogosphere.”

Photo credit: Aleteia Image Partners via Visual hunt / CC BY-SA

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, AoftheA Vatican Bureau, Election 2016, Humor, News That Could Be True, Pope Francis, Pope Francis Traumatic Syndrome Sufferers, Satire | Leave a comment

How ‘The Spiritual Combat’ Has Helped Me Find Peace


“The Spiritual Combat and a Treatise on Peace of Soul” by Dom Lorenzo Scupoli is one of my favorite spiritual books. I take it with me every time I go to my parish’s Adoration Chapel. It was written in the late 16th century, but its wisdom is timeless.

For instance, here’s an excerpt from Chapter 25: “The Soldier of Christ, Resolved to Fight and Conquer His Enemies, Must Avoid, as Far as Possible, Anything That Intrudes on His Peace of Mind” (Scupoli would so fail at writing click-bait headlines)

“You will find it greatly advantageous to preserve a calm mind through all the events in your life. Without it, your pious exercises will be fruitless.

“I am convinced that, if the heart is troubled, the enemy is ever able to strike us, and as much as he wishes. Moreover, in that state we are not capable of discerning the true path to follow, the snares that must be avoided to attain virtue.

“The enemy detests peace. For he knows that this is the place where the spirit of God dwells, and that God now desires to accomplish great things in us. Consequently he employs his most devilish means to destroy this peace. He suggests various things that apparently are good. It is a trap; you will soon discover that these desires will destroy the peace of your heart.”

Which is why I didn’t watch the debates, and avoid peace-thrashers Canon212 and Pewsitters like the plague.

Posted in books, Catholic Blogs, Hysteria Is Not A Gift Of The Holy Spirit, Peace | 1 Comment

PARISH REPORT: Turkey Bacon Served at K of C Pancake Breakfast Causes Near Riot


(AoftheANews) – TALLAHASSEE, FL – Police were called to the scene of a near riot at St Simeon the Nitrite after the 11:00 AM Mass on Sunday, when parishioners discovered turkey bacon was being served at a Knights of Columbus pancake breakfast.

Multiple squad cars were called in to quell the uprising at the semi-annual K of C fundraiser. Officers needed riot gear and shields to push back irate parishioners away from a group of Knights who had barricaded themselves in the church hall kitchen.

“It was mayhem,” one officer told AoftheA News. “Upturned trays of turkey bacon. Pancakes tossed about everywhere, stuck to the ceiling, the walls. Four Knights had drawn their swords to keep a group of people at bay, and we were seconds away from calling in a SWAT extraction team. Fortunately, we distracted the parishioners with a couple fresh cartons of Krispy Kremes long enough to get the men out safely.”

It took several hours for the police to disburse the crowd and restore order. No arrests were made, although citations were issued against the local council for cooking up the turkey bacon.

“I don’t know what the K of  C was thinking,” another officer remarked. “Turkey bacon? Really??”

Fr Smithfield, St Simeon’s pastor, told AoftheA News that the uneaten pancakes and bacon would be donated to a local shelter that afternoon, but he wasn’t sure the donation would be accepted.

“I’d hate to see the food go to waste, but…it’s turkey bacon,” he said.

Photo credit: Mr.TinDC via VisualHunt / CC BY-ND

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Bacon, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | 2 Comments

Top 10 Rejected Catholic Feast Days


The Catholic Church loves to party. I mean, take a look at all the feasts we celebrate! They range from solemnities, to memorials, to optional feast days. We have parades and processions, May crownings and Masses. There are quite a few feasts dedicated to Jesus Christ or The Blessed Mother, but most are celebrated to commemorate a saint. Not to mention Christmas, Easter, Pentecost – and Easter lasts 50 days. 50 days! That’s a looooong party.

But you gotta admit, a few of the feast days are a little weird. There are a ton of feast days commemorating a saint’s martyrdom – and a lot of them were martyred rather gruesomely. Like St. Bartholemew, an extreme exfoliation is ever there was one. Weird thing to throw a party over, but hey – it’s what the Church does. Catholics don’t do the sorts of things the world does. What the world considers a defeat, we consider a victory, and by golly we’re gonna celebrate those victories.

And then there’s the Feast of the Circumcision of Jesus. Now, I get it – Jesus was Jewish, and traditionally, when the son is circumcised, he officially and ceremoniously receives his name. So it’s a big deal. But still – a little strange, to say the least. Jesus got nicked? Par-TAY!

There’s also the Feast of the Chair of St Peter. No, we’re not celebrating St Peter’s favorite La-Z-Boy or anything – it’s merely to honor his office as having been the first Pope.

You know what, though? I bet you didn’t know the Church rejected a whole slew of proposed Feast Days over the centuries. It’s true! The fact you’re reading this on the Internet proves it’s true. The early Church had to deal with this stuff all the time, and if you’ve never heard about these rejected Feast Days until now, well, I can only surmise it’s because you received terrible catechesis as a child.

The AoftheA Obscure Catholic Trivia Department is here you help you out. We directed our Vatican Bureau to root around the Holy See Archives, and after countless weeks…well, maybe it was a couple days…okay, fine. An hour, tops. Forty-five minutes max, and we’re pretty sure too much vino was involved. The important thing is, they came up with a list.

The Top Ten Rejected Catholic Feast Days (in no particular order):

10) The Memorial of Baby Jesus’s First Step
9) Feast of That One Time the Apostles Didn’t Cause Jesus to Roll His Eyes
8) The Solemnity of St Joseph Asking for Directions on the Flight to Egypt
7) The Solemnity of Baby Jesus’s First Full Night of Sleep
6) The Memorial of St Nicholas Serving Arius a Knuckle Sandwich
5) Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God, Writing Thank You Notes to the Magi
4) Feast of St Paul’s Calloused Feet From All That Walking
3) The Feast of Baby Jesus’s First Solid Food
2) The Memorial of Our Lord Finding St Joseph’s Lost Hammer
1) Solemnity of the Holy Family Hosting Passover for the In-Laws

Are there other rejected Catholic Feast Days? Depends on how imaginative you are.

Photo credit: Pilgrim Fatima via Visual hunt / CC BY-SA

Posted in Another Top Ten List, AoftheA Vatican Bureau, Feast Days, Holidays, Humor | Tagged | Leave a comment