PARISH REPORT: Catholic Mommy Blogger Silently Drafts Scathing Post About Fellow Parishioners During Mass

(AoftheANews) – CHEYENNE – As Catholic Mommy blogger Courtney Kitchener-McGavin held her slightly irritable two-year old daughter Jayden during Sunday’s 11:00 AM Mass, she mentally drafted a white-hot post condemning the parishioners around her who were perturbed she didn’t take her daughter to the crying room.

“These people are gonna get it,” she hissed, her nostrils flared and eyes narrowed to mere slits of seething anger. “Tomorrow’s blog post is going to absolutely rip these people a new one. How dare they look at me with disapproval and a judgmental attitude? Don’t they know who I am?”

Courtney’s blog, “Stressed, Blest, and Breast is Best”, is one of the most widely read Catholic mommy blogs on the Internet, with tens of thousands of followers and subscribers.

“I get a million page views a month, so I have cred,” she said, her shoulders visibly shaking with rage. “These people are going to be sorry. So is the priest! The way he glanced at me when Jayden whimpered a couple times during his homily? I know what he was thinking, and frankly, I’m not going to take it.”

Courtney jotted snarky remarks and clever criticisms on an unused collection envelope during the Prayers for the Faithful, nodding approvingly with her choice selection of apt descriptors and moderate alliterations.

“Ooh, I really like the way that sounds,” she cooed, like Cruella de Vil taunting a helpless Dalmatian pup, her lips forming a self-satisfied smirk. “This is gonna be soooo good. This will go viral.”

In a rare move, Courtney bustled Jayden and her husband Roddy out of the church immediately following Holy Communion.

“I need to get home and post this right away, while it’s fresh. If there are two things I’ve learned about Catholic blogging, it’s one, write while the emotions are high and the fury is raging. And two, follow up humble apology posts are really, really popular.”

Photo credit: BostonCatholic via Visualhunt.com / CC BY-ND

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire | Leave a comment

BREAKING! Vatican Considers Hosting Flat Earth Theory Synod in 2018

Representation of “spherical” Earth

(AoftheANews) – VATICAN CITY – Unconfirmed reports from the Eternal City indicate that the Pontifical Academy of Sciences is close to announcing a Flat Earth Theory Synod for some time in 2018.

According to the AoftheA News Vatican Bureau, two anonymous Academy sources have alluded to plans for an upcoming synod to explore the scientific theories and framework contending that the Earth is flat. “Flat Earth” theories have been in the news as of late, most recently when former NBA star Shaquille O’Neal stated during his podcast that he agrees with current NBA Cleveland Cavalier Kyrie Irving that the Earth is not a sphere, saying “It’s true. The Earth is flat.” Many Flat Earthers contend that the “spherical Earth conspiracy” has been promulgated by Freemasons, Zionists, NASA, the Illuminati, perhaps alien lizard people, and maybe even greedy capitalist globe manufacturers.

One source told AoftheA News that the Holy Father is allegedly adamant that the Vatican host the synod. “He wants to do for science and astronomy what he’s done for the family and marriage. It’s time to dialogue on this extremely important issue, and to demonstrate to people from across the flat, spherical disc that the Catholic Church is not afraid – and has never been afraid – to discuss serious scientific theories. Or unserious ones, whichever the case may be.”

Some of the topics being considered for debate and exploration are “The Great Antarctic Ice Wall”, “Does ‘Gravity’ Really Exist?”, and “Wholly Water – Finding Its Level on Any Surface”.

“Despite the fact that Pythagoras, Aristotle, Ptolemy, and countless brilliant thinkers throughout the centuries all believed the Earth was round,” the second source told AoftheA News, “and that the modern Flat Earth theory was developed in the mid 1800’s by Englishman Samuel Rowbotham, we feel this synod is a significant gesture of open-mindedness and invitation to free thought. Let the facts and evidence speak for itself. It’s not for us to say the Flat Earthers are wrong or crazy. Who are we to judge, anyway?”

Several Flat Earth groups have not yet responded to AoftheA News inquiries about the proposed synod. We doubt they’ll ever get around to it.

Photo credit: Kevin M. Gill via VisualHunt.com / CC BY-SA

Posted in AoftheA News Desk, Catholic Stuff, Conspiracy Theories, Humor, News That Could Be True, People Are Weird, Satire, Science, Snark, What The...? | Leave a comment

March, a Time for Peace – Part III

Part III in the series of excerpts from Dom Lorenzo Scupoli’s “Treatise on Peace of Soul”.

Chapter Three: THE NECESSITY OF BUILDING THIS PEACEFUL HABITATION BY DEGREES

Banish from your mind whatever tends to depress and disconcert you, striving always with great mildness to acquire or persevere serenity of soul. For Christ Himself has said: “Blessed are the peacemakers…Learn of me for I am meek and humble of heart.” Never doubt that God will crown your labor and make your soul a dwelling of delight; all He asks of you is a sincere attempt to disperse the clouds and storms whenever you are molested by disturbances of the senses and passions, that the sun of peace may shine on all your actions.

Doesn’t that first sentence make you want to roll your eyes and say, “Yeah, good luck with that! Have you seen my life lately?” I’m sure each of us could write a lengthy list of the things that depress and disconcert us – legitimate, real-life things. But that’s not the point. We all suffer and struggle, and no one is exempt. Not even our Savior and blessed mother. What God asks of us is not to pretend nothing ever disturbs us, but to make a sincere effort to “disperse the clouds and storms” by having recourse to Him.

As a house cannot be built in a day, neither can the mansion of inner peace be built within our souls in a fleeting instant. Rather, our success is a gradual attainment; it is the culmination of the primary work of the divine architect in predisposing our souls for the edifice to be built therein, and the firm establishment of humility which must be the foundation of that edifice.

The first steps of attaining peace of soul are two-fold: aligning our souls to the will of God, and becoming humble, realizing that we are powerless to do it on our own. We can’t create the peace we desire; we can only cooperate with Him who is peace. He will complete the work He has started in us, if we practice humility and allow Him to do so.

All this takes time and patience. And the acceptance that suffering will be involved. We’ll discuss that paradox next time.

Photo credit: ArmchairBuilder.com via VisualHunt / CC BY

Posted in 12 Months of Christmas, books, Catholic Stuff, Lent, Lent with LarryD, Peace, Thoughts | Leave a comment

Sister Patricia: On St Patrick’s Day

(Sister Patricia Owens O’Flannery, OP, a post-modern pre-traditional omni-spiritual Dominican sister, periodically contributes to AoftheA. Many of you are familiar with her, so my condolences to you. Today she offers her thoughts on St. Patrick’s Day. I hope.)

Regards and salutations, my beloved friends! May the sodality and sweetness of Sophia exceed the striated tissues of your heart, and ooze from every pore and orifice! Oh, and the warmest of Irish blessings to each and every one of you, on this, my favorite Catholic holiday! Well, after the Spring Solstice, of course!

I sincerely apologize for being away for so long. Valhalla knows how long it’s been – LarryD claims he was sure he told me his blog had moved to The Catholic Conspiracy (I love that name, by the way – it makes me feel even more enigmatic than I already am!), but in any event, it took me forever to track him down. I suppose I could have forgotten, as I have been terribly busy as of late – I was on a three month safari in the Himalayas towards the end of 2016 (it was all I could do to weather the storm of the election and realign my shakras!), and I just returned from a week-long sabbatical at Church’s Chicken. Take it from me, my friends – there is no better place in the world to take a sabbatical. So delicious! Honestly, though, I barely have time to breathe let alone write this post, because this afternoon I’m honored to be Grand Marshall of the Diocese of Walla-Walla St Patrick’s Day Parade! I know! Me, of all people! Many of you know that I taught school for many years in Walla Walla, before joining a Dominican order located in Michigan. So it’s like a homecoming! I get to see all my friends – well, the ones still living, anyway.

With time being a luxurious premium, I’ll keep this short, brief, to the point, and in as few words as possible. St Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland, snake handlers, coffee, and neighborhood pubs. Many dioceses in America have issued dispensations to allow Catholics to eat corned beef in celebration of today’s joyous feast, apparently because on Fridays in Lent we aren’t permitted to eat meat? When did that start?

Anyway, the Archdiocese of Detroit didn’t issue a blanket dispensation. Instead, we have to ask our priest for it. Our convent did just that, and thankfully, my bff Bishop Joan Houk of RCWP said we could (But she pooh-poohed my request for green sacramental wine. I never knew she was such a traditionalist!). Sr Jacques Daniels, our convent chef, creates the most creative culinary creations, and whips up a corned beef to.die.for. I only hope they leave me a few slices and a couple Guiness for when I return on Saturday.

I wish I could write more, because I have so much more to say! But alas, duty calls, and I have to be fitted for my Sacred Leprechaun outfit for the parade. And now that I’ve found AoftheA again, you can be assured that I will be posting more frequently. Not next week though – I’ll be whooping it up at Stonehenge for the Solstice celebrations!

My incense is always burning for you, my friends! May Godde’s compassionate compassion warmly and compassionately fill your heart with warm compassion! Ta ta!

Posted in Humor, Satire, Sister Patricia, St Patrick | 2 Comments