PARISH REPORT [Late Edition]: Communion Confusion Erupts Due to Absent Usher

[ACMPress] – PALM SPRINGS – Reports from Sts Abbott and Costello, located outside Palm Springs, CA, indicate that nearly 50 parishioners didn’t receive Holy Communion because the usher assigned to their section failed to show up.

Several parishioners spoke with ACMPress after the 11:00 AM Mass. Each confirmed their usher was present during the collection, but he didn’t return for Holy Communion.

“I was confused, unsure what to do,” one woman said. “Ushers guided other sections for communion, but no one ever came to help us.”

“At one point, I said to myself, screw it, I’m gonna get communion,” a man said. “But then common sense took over, so I stayed put.”

“I kept thinking, someone is bound to come, right?” a second man asked. “I even considered doing the ushering myself, but I haven’t been properly trained.”

Head usher Stan Yerpugh told ACMPress this was unprecedented, and he regrets some parishioners didn’t receive communion, but he was relieved no chaos broke out. “I’m grateful no one attempted to take matters into their own hands, and leave their seat without an usher’s help. Who knows what might have happened otherwise. It could have gotten ugly real quick.”

Yerpugh said The Usher Committee is investigating why the section usher didn’t show up, and has assured the parish that policies will be put in place to prevent this from happening in the future. One unconfirmed rumor is the absent usher was arranging bulletins in the gathering space at the time.

Photo credit: www.saginaw.org on VisualHunt.com / CC BY-ND

Don’t miss anything from A Catholic Misfit – like ACM’s Facebook page!

About Larry Denninger

After writing at "Acts of the Apostasy" for more than 10 years under a pseudonym, Larry decided it was time to go public, and launch a brand new blog. It will probably backfire horribly. Which means you will want to follow and witness the impending trainwreck. He resides in Michigan.
This entry was posted in All The News That's Misfit To Print, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Satire. Bookmark the permalink.