PARISH REPORT: Change in Coffee Brand Causes Near Riot after Mass

[ACMPress] – ROCKFORD – Parishioners at St Juan Valdez caused a near riot last Sunday when they discovered the coffee served after the Eight’oclock AM Mass was a different brand. Many parishioners tossed full cups of hot coffee into the trash, while some attempted to take the urns to the outside dumpsters.

“This is outrageous!” Max Howse told ACMPress, visibly shaking with rage. “Whoever switched brands outta be ex-communicated, or tossed into the sea with a Millstone around their neck, like Jesus says!”

A FOIA request by ACMPress revealed that the Hospitality Ministry director, Ms. Dee Kaffenaight, had bought Sanka instant coffee from Costco because it was 25% cheaper than the brand the parish traditionally used, Mystic Monk Coffee.

“Coffee after Mass is the High Point for me and my wife,” Phil Jerz said. “Substituting a terrible brand is a sacrilege, and barely makes Mass worthwhile. If this isn’t fixed by next week, we might never come back!”

Dee Kaffenaight refused to discuss any details with ACMPress while the issue was still brewing among the parishioners, except to say the pastor assured her that insufficient grounds existed for immediate dismissal from the Hospitality Ministry.

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About Larry Denninger

After writing at "Acts of the Apostasy" for more than 10 years under a pseudonym, Larry decided it was time to go public, and launch a brand new blog. It will probably backfire horribly. Which means you will want to follow and witness the impending trainwreck. He resides in Michigan.
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