Man Credited with Saving Alaskan Glaciers up for Beatification

[ACMPress] – ROME – An official at the Congregation for the Causes of Saints confirmed with ACMPress they’ve begun the beatification process for the man credited with saving Alaskan glaciers from the ravaging effects of climate change.

Phil Ehrrupp, a lifelong Catholic from Juneau who died in 2012, is believed to be the first person in Alaska to voluntarily stop using plastic grocery bags. In 2010, he spearheaded an incandescent light bulb replacement program at his parish, Our Lady of Sustainability, called “Be The CFL Light of the World”. Phil was also very concerned about pollution and fracking, and was known to write a lot of letters to the editor.

“Phil’s life of heroic virtue encapsulates what it means to be a saint in today’s Church,” one Congregation official told ACMPress. “Without a doubt, his example and sacrifice prevented the further retreat and deterioration of Alaskan glaciers. Phil perfectly represented the Holy Father’s unwavering commitment to protecting the environment, by far the Church’s most pressing issue,  and will one day be called The Patron Saint of Climate Change.”

Family members were elated when they learned of Phil’s upcoming beatification, scheduled for Earth Day, 2019.

“Nobody worked harder to lower their carbon footprint than Phil,” his wife Carrie said. “His life ambition was to have zero impact upon our planet, and while dying six years ago helped him realize his goal, it’s wonderful the Church is recognizing him. If it weren’t for Phil, those glaciers would all be melted now.

“I’m sure his only regret was not having lived long enough to have read Pope Francis’ letter  Laudato Si,” she added. “But who knows? Perhaps Phil inspired him to write it.”

Carrie said her family – their four children, thirteen grandchildren, and countless nieces and nephews from around the world – along with hundreds of parishioners, are arranging flights to attend the beatification in Rome next Spring.

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Vatican Officials Annoyed Pope Francis Won’t Shut Up Over His Being Silent

[ACMPress] – ROME – Numerous Vatican officials have complained to ACMPress that Pope Francis, ever since recommending “silence in prayer” in a homily delivered on September 3, to deal with those seeking scandal and division, hasn’t stopped talking about how silent he’s been.

“It’s intolerable,” one official said, agreeing to talk under the condition of remaining anonymous. “If he sees you in the hallway, he comes up to you and says, ‘Have you noticed how silent I’ve been? Pretty great, huh?’ And then he goes on for ten to fifteen minutes about how silent he’s been the past few weeks.”

“It’s gotten to the point where I actively try to avoid him,” a second official said. “But even that doesn’t work. I think the Holy Father goes out of his way to seek me out, and tell me how important it is to be silent in prayer.”

“He won’t shut up about it,” said yet another anonymous official. “He’ll say ‘I’ve been silent now for a whole week now! It’s fantastic!’  And then he asks if I’ve been silent in prayer, too. Once he asked while I was kneeling in the basilica!”

One official said he employs one simple trick to avoid Francis’ constant talking about being silent. “When I see him coming, I ask, ‘Your Holiness, do you have a moment to discuss the sex abuse crisis amongst the bishops?’ To which he always responds, with a shake of his head, ‘Not now. Silence and prayer.’ And then he walks away. Works every time.”

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BREAKING! Pope Francis Called Wuerl, Cupich to Rome for Fantasy Football Draft Advice

[ACMPress] – ROME – ACMPRess has learned Pope Francis summoned Cardinals Wuerl and Cupich to Rome to help him with his Fantasy Football draft and starting line-up for the first week of the NFL.

Unnamed sources told ACMPRess that Pope Francis called the emergency meetings, needing to see Wuerl and Cupich as soon as possible. Wuerl was in Rome August 30, and Cupich arrived in Rome recently.  One official confirmed Cardinal Wuerl helped with the draft, and Cardinal Cupich is giving him advice on who to start for the opening weekend.

“Cardinal Cupich did say in his NBC interview that the Holy Father had a bigger agenda,” one official said, “and without a doubt, this is one of those bigger things.”

The official went on to say that with the draft over, the Holy Father will get back to business on important things like saving the environment and protecting migrants, so Catholics need to stay calm.

“The Holy Father relies on some US Cardinals to help him navigate these important issues,” another official said. “Getting the first couple picks right can make or break your season, as any fantasy football player will tell you.”

When asked if Pope Francis will release his starting line-up, the official said “No. The Holy Father’s response is one of silence and prayer. Especially prayer, that he finishes better than fourth place, like he did last season.”

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PARISH REPORT: Change in Coffee Brand Causes Near Riot after Mass

[ACMPress] – ROCKFORD – Parishioners at St Juan Valdez caused a near riot last Sunday when they discovered the coffee served after the Eight’oclock AM Mass was a different brand. Many parishioners tossed full cups of hot coffee into the trash, while some attempted to take the urns to the outside dumpsters.

“This is outrageous!” Max Howse told ACMPress, visibly shaking with rage. “Whoever switched brands outta be ex-communicated, or tossed into the sea with a Millstone around their neck, like Jesus says!”

A FOIA request by ACMPress revealed that the Hospitality Ministry director, Ms. Dee Kaffenaight, had bought Sanka instant coffee from Costco because it was 25% cheaper than the brand the parish traditionally used, Mystic Monk Coffee.

“Coffee after Mass is the High Point for me and my wife,” Phil Jerz said. “Substituting a terrible brand is a sacrilege, and barely makes Mass worthwhile. If this isn’t fixed by next week, we might never come back!”

Dee Kaffenaight refused to discuss any details with ACMPress while the issue was still brewing among the parishioners, except to say the pastor assured her that insufficient grounds existed for immediate dismissal from the Hospitality Ministry.

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