Category Archives: Satire

Report: Pope to Infallibly Declare Jeffrey Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself

ACMPress – ROME – Sources within the Vatican have told ACMPress that Pope Francis is preparing a document in which he will infallibly declare that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself. “The Holy Father has been following the case very closely,” … Continue reading

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PARISH REPORT: Church Teams Up with Door Dash to Bring Coffee and Donuts to Shut-ins

ACMPress – SAN FRANCISCO – Members of Our Lady of Hospitality parish, unable to make it to Sunday Mass obligation due to illness, injury, or any other reason, were happy to learn the parish council approved a partnership with DoorDash … Continue reading

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Study Finds End-of-Mass Announcements Take Longer than Average Homily

ACMPress – A recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center determined that announcements read at the end of Mass take longer than the average homily, for the first time in Church history. “I suppose we shouldn’t be astonished by … Continue reading

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PARISH REPORT: Hipster Caught Adding Gift Tags to Parish ‘Giving Tree’, Asking for Beer

ACMPress – PORTLAND – Surveillance cameras at Our Lady of Unfailing Hops recorded a parishioner hanging his own gift tags onto the parish’s Giving Tree in the gathering space over a three day period during the first week of Advent. … Continue reading

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