Category Archives: Satire

PARISH REPORT: Diocese Approves 3-Parish Trade Involving All-Star Altar Server

(ACMPress) BISMARCK – The Diocese of Bismarck approved a blockbuster trade of altar servers and draft picks among three diocesan parishes, with one analyst calling it a “game-changer”. The trade centerpiece is 3-time All Star, 12-year old Landon Patterson, ranked the diocese’s #1 … Continue reading

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PARISH REPORT: Man Wears Veil to TLM to Avoid Seeing Women Wearing Pants

ACMPress – SAN ANTONIO – Seymour Heere created a bit of a stir at the Sunday 11:00 AM Tridentine Rite Mass at Sts Bausch & Lomb when he arrived wearing a veil, completely covering his face. Women veil at Mass … Continue reading

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PARISH REPORT: Local Man Awarded Purple Heart for Injuries Sustained During War on Christmas

[ACMPress] RICHMOND – St Patton’s Knights of Columbus chapter awarded parishioner Lou Tennant a Purple Heart for injuries sustained during the War on Christmas, after Sunday’s 10:45 Mass. Tennant, a lifelong parishioner of St Patton’s, told ACMPress he was honored … Continue reading

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PARISH REPORT: Alleged Advent Wreath Vandalism Ruled as Pinterest Fail

[ACMPress] DAYTON – After a thorough investigation, Dayton police have ruled that a destroyed Advent wreath at Our Lady of Essential Oils parish was the result of a Pinterest fail, and not a deliberate act of vandalism. “Forensic evidence points … Continue reading

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