PARISH REPORT: Local Woman Sets Personal Record, Attends Mass on 9 Consecutive Sundays

ACMPress – OCALA – Local woman and life-long Catholic Bess Lye-Fevver posted on her Facebook wall earlier this week that she set a personal record of attending Mass 9 consecutive Sundays.

“Took a lot of effort and hard work, but I did it! Attended Mass yesterday morning, which makes it nine straight Sundays in a row! Almost skipped to go to yoga, but said to myself, it’s only 45 minutes. Do it!” – feeling celebratory

Her post received 63 likes and several congratulatory comments.

“You’re my hero and inspiration! I barely make it to Easter! Rock it!”

“Woo-hoo girl! Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. #Girlpower”

Bess told ACMPress that her previous streak of 8 weeks, set back in 2011, seemed insurmountable. “I had tied it a few times since then, but just lost steam. But this week, I told myself the only person stopping me, is me.” She allowed herself a humble smile, and seemed to lose composure for a second. “It’s like anything, right? You don’t want to do it, but once you’ve done, you’re like, wow, I really can’t believe what I just accomplished! And being validated by my friends was super helpful.”

Bess was unsure how much longer her impressive streak would last. “I know there are people who go every Sunday, but I’m not that much of a religious nut.”

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PARISH REPORT: Man Told He Can’t Bring Liturgical Abuse Emotional Support Dog Into Mass

ACMPress – CHICAGO – Local man Sherman Gephardt attended the 9:30 AM Mass this past Sunday at Our Lady of Perpetual Clapping without his constant companion next to him in the pew – Terror Daemonum, his golden lab emotional support dog. Moments before Mass began, the parish pastor and the head of ushers had informed him “TD” couldn’t be admitted into the church.

“They just don’t understand,” Sherman told ACMPress. “I can’t get through all the liturgical abuses without TD by my side. I have a doctor’s note and everything.”

As he said this, a troupe of liturgical dancers flitted down the main aisle during the processional hymn Gather Us In. Sherman’s hands began to visibly shake.

“Man, if only TD were here,” he said, his voice quavering. “What am I gonna do when the congregation applauds the altar boys, the music ministry, the lectors, and the ‘who’s having a birthday this week?’ announcement before the final blessing?”

The head of ushers told ACMPress that animals are strictly prohibited from entering the nave. “Hey, if we let emotional support dogs in today, it’ll be emotional support ferrets tomorrow, and emotional support alpacas the day after that. Heaven forbid someone bring a kangaroo here a month from now! I mean, we’re tolerant, but not that tolerant.”

“Oh no,” Sherman groaned, twisting a missalette in his hands as Parish Administrator Ruth Weiller approached the lectern to deliver the homily. “I don’t know if I’m gonna make it.”

When asked why he doesn’t attend Mass at a better parish, he replied: “You must be new here, pal. This is Chicago. There are no better parishes.”

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PARISH REPORT: ‘Helicopter’ Mom Demands to Help Newly Ordained Son Celebrate First Mass

ACMPress – MONTPELIER – Local woman Sue Korski, whose son Martin was ordained a priest two weeks ago, demanded that her bishop permit her to con-celebrate his first Mass this upcoming Sunday at St. Huey Parish.

“I’ve done everything for him since he was a sweet little baby, so why should I stop now?” she told ACMPress. “While in seminary, I helped write his papers and homilies, did a bunch of his homework, and made sure he had the right friends. I can’t tell you how many times I argued with his professors over grades. So if the bishop thinks I’m going to stand down, he’s in for a shock!”

Korski recounted one way she helped at his ordination. “I scrubbed and sanitized the floor before he laid facedown. No dirty floor for my Marty.”

A diocesan spokesman told ACMPress her request will most assuredly be denied, and instead be offered the opportunity to lector, bring up the offetory gifts, and perhaps act as an EMHC.

“Not good enough for my baby,” she said. “I want to be right there by his side, turning pages in the Sacramentary, holding his hand during the Our Father, making sure the lectern microphone is at just the right height. All the things any loving mother would want to do for their widdle wum wum.”

ACMPress asked Martin his opinion on his mother’s demands, to which she answered “Of course Marty wants me help. He only gets one first Mass, and he wants it as memorable as possible.”

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A Short Post About Shorts at Mass

Time to bring up a big problem in the Church in America, being summer and all: men wearing shorts to Mass.

If you’re a guy, and older than two, then no. Just because Jesus hung naked upon the cross doesn’t make it okay to stand half-naked in the pew.

I know that nearly two minute walk from your air-conditioned car to the air-conditioned church is hell on earth, but you won’t die of enervation and heat exhaustion. Trust me, guys, you won’t.

I like what a friend told me their parish priest once preached from the pulpit: “You wouldn’t wear shorts to Buckingham Palace to visit the Queen of England, and she’s a heretic.”

Works for me.

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Posted in Catholic, Just My Opinion But You Know I'm Right, Make The Mass Holy Again, Snarkasm | 1 Comment