PARISH REPORT: Worship Committee Chair Nominee Alleged to Binge Drink Sacramental Wine as Altar Boy

[ACMPress] – BETHESDA – What began as a simple confirmation process for a new Worship Committee chairperson at Sts Bartles & Jaymes quickly turned complicated yesterday, when allegations arose that the nominee was a sacramental wine binge drinker as an altar boy more than thirty years ago.

Bob Mondavi, known for having originalist interpretations of Redemptionus Sacramentum, was considered a shoo-in for the position, despite objections by some liberal Parish Council members. However, the day before the confirmation vote, Council member Susannah Balbo produced a letter written by a man who claimed witnessing Mondavi drinking bottles of sacramental wine when he was a teenage altar server. Balbo received the letter, from a Mark O. Abella, in August, in which he stated he was an altar server with Mondavi.

“This needs to be fully investigated,” Balbo told the council. “The Worship Committee’s integrity must be preserved, and choosing an alleged drunken alcoholic to lead it sends a terrible message, and sets an awful precedent. And while Mr Abella can’t recall which church this happened in, or in what year it occurred, his claims are credible. I believe him.”

Mr. Mondavi has vowed to fight the allegation rather than voluntarily rescind the nomination. “This is a blatant attempt to keep orthodox Catholics off the Worship Committee, so liberals can do what they want with the Mass. I’m neither quitting nor letting my good name be smeared by baseless, false accusations. I mean sure, I liked wine. I still like wine. But not sacramental wine. C’mon – everyone knows that stuff is awful.”

Parish Council President Ken Dahl-Jackson reluctantly agreed to hold an investigation, but left no doubt this development displeased him. “These last-second theatrics on the part of Ms. Balbo denigrate the distinguished, venerable role of the Parish Council. This is ludicrous. It’s not like Mr Mondavi is being considered for, oh, I don’t know – a seat on the Supreme Court. It’s just the Worship Committee.”

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Vatican Archivists Find Unfinished Papal Encyclical on the Rosary!!

(ACMPRess) Calling it the “most exciting archival discovery in the post-Reformation era”, two Vatican archivists announced they discovered what is believed to be the unfinished 13th Rosary Encyclical penned by Pope Leo XIII. Pope Leo XIII, who had a strong devotion to our Blessed Mother, issued 12 encyclicals on the rosary between the years 1883-1898. It is believed this incomplete one was started several months before he died in July 1903.

The two archivists, Frs Hugo Thistleway and Igor Dattavay, held a press conference yesterday, announcing the discovery.

“The encyclical is titled Decursu Saeculorum,” Fr. Thistleway said, “taken from the first sentence of the encyclical: ‘Decursu saeculorum, sanctissimam Matrem pietatis manifestatio per fideles in recitatione a sanctissimo Rosario nuncupatur’, which translates to: ‘Throughout the ages, devotion to our Blessed Mother has been expressed by the faithful in the recitation of the Holy Rosary’.”

The encyclical totals six and a half pages, and is clearly unfinished. Its content, however, is causing some controversy, as Pope Leo XIII indicated in very precise language how the rosary is to be prayed. Namely, the only means by which to receive grace and indulgences from recitation, is to pray the rosary in a counter-clockwise direction. According to the encyclical, praying the rosary in a clockwise direction would ‘bear no fruit and Heaven would be closed to the petitioner and his pleas’ (‘…fructum nequaquam facient, quod caelum claudatur, et preces eius et actori.’).

“Due to its incompleteness, there is uncertainty as to the encyclical’s binding nature upon the faithful,” Thistleway said. “But make no mistake, this is huge.”

Fr. Thistleway demonstrated Pope Leo XIII’s instructions to those gathered at the press conference. “If you hold your rosary at the crucifix, and let the beads hang down, what the encyclical says is, the first decade must be the one to the crucifix’s left, the second decade to the left of the first, and so on, until returning to the crucifix. Starting to the right would be wrong – not sinful, at least according to several moral theologians I’ve spoken to, but wrong nonetheless.”

He went on to state that the encyclical did not declare whether the decade had to be prayed left to right, or right to left. “Perhaps the late pope meant to define that on page eight, but he died halfway through page seven.”

So what happens next? According to Fr. Dattavay, it’s up to Pope Francis. “He’s seen the partial encyclical, and is in consultation with members of the Curia as how to proceed. This is rather unprecedented.”

And could there be greater implications beyond the Holy Rosary? “Well, the rosary is also used to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet, among other devotions,” Dattavay explained. “Would the same instructions apply? Perhaps saying the Divine Mercy in a clockwise manner will incur Divine Wrath – of course, that’s merely my opinion. It’s up to the Holy Father to determine that.”

In the meantime, Dattavay said, the faithful are encouraged to continue praying the rosary as they always have, and wait in prayer and silence until the Holy See formally responds.

Video coverage of the news conference is here.

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Originally published at ‘Acts of the Apostasy’, January 2012

Posted in All The News That's Misfit To Print, Catholic, Humor, News That Could Be True, Rosary, Satire | Comments Off on Vatican Archivists Find Unfinished Papal Encyclical on the Rosary!!

PARISH REPORT: Vegan Leaves Catholic Church upon Hearing Eucharist Is Jesus’ Body

[ACMPress] – PORTLAND – Corey Ander, a 22-year old lifelong Catholic and vegan, announced on Facebook he was leaving the Catholic Church because “I heard my priest say the Eucharist is Jesus’ body and blood, and I promised myself I would never eat anything that had a face.”

“This is like, kinda heartbreaking for me,” he wrote. “I love Sts. Abercrombie & Fitch. I love the music, the community, the felt banners, the soft landing of low expectations – but when our new priest preached this past Sunday the bread becomes Jesus’ body, and the wine becomes His blood, I was like woah. I never heard that from our previous pastor. If that’s true, I can’t do this no more.

“I mean, I already don’t go to coffee hour because they use real creamer, and the donuts have eggs. I suddenly feel so disoriented and untethered. Where am I gonna go, where I’m not eating something that used to have a smile, have feelings, and all that?”

Several friends responded to Corey’s post, clarifying Church doctrine on the Eucharist, but he promptly blocked them for using “hurtful language”.

“Listen,” he responded to one, “if all you’re gonna do is tell me I’m misunderstanding stuff, well, hurtful language like that makes me very uncomfortable. Good-bye!”

As of this report, Corey was considering joining the local Unitarian Veganism Church, where they’re removed all meat references from the scriptures, they refer to Jesus as “The Yam of God”, and offer sliced vegetables for their communion services.

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Dear Pope Francis: Your Fatherhood Is Failing Us

Dear Pope Francis –

I don’t know how to put this any other way, so I’ll come right out and say it as politely as possible: Your fatherhood is failing us.

Trust me, I don’t want to think this way, but your actions give me no choice. My Well of Benefit of the Doubts has dried up. I lower my bucket, and it returns empty. Wasn’t always like this – for most of your pontificate, I’ve extended best intentions, or shrugged stuff away because I didn’t know all the facts. At times, I’ve defended you. I wanted to think the best of you. Unfortunately, I can’t do that anymore.

This has more to do with your decision than just not answering the Dubia. This goes beyond the way you’ve handled the Vigano document. I’m way past McCarrick, Wuerl, the Pennsylvania report, Chile, and the rest of the episcopal-level abuses, and your apparent lack of concern for Catholics abandoning the church, both due to the atrocities that were covered up, and the lack of concrete action coming from your chair. The agreement with the Chinese government certainly hasn’t helped, either.

Maybe my tipping point was your failure to appoint an Apostolic Visitor to the US church, which makes it seem you don’t care. Oh sure, you’ve said you want a less top-down Church, giving more authority and autonomy to bishops and their conferences. And that may be true. But the way I see it, when the kids are begging for the guy in charge to do something about the arsonists who’ve burned down the orphanage, it’s not loving and merciful to permit the arsonists to investigate the crime.

Your Holiness, your children are desperate for fish and eggs, but you’re handing us snakes and scorpions. I’m a father, and despite my sinfulness, I’d like to believe I’m wise enough to know that when my sons appeal for help, I don’t first shame them for throwing plastic in the ocean. When they request – no, demand – proper justice, I don’t turn tone-deaf ears towards them, pretending to listen. I don’t scold them and say, in effect, that exposing such nefarious scandal is the work of Satan.

Fathers don’t act that way. Not those who love their children, anyway. It’s not how love – tough love, even – works. We want healing, justice, and a steady hand to guide us to holiness, no matter the pain, no matter the cost. If you refuse to lead the flock through this crisis, then whatever comes should be laid upon your shoulders. The future will determine your papacy’s account, whether it be glorious or notorious, illegitimate or valid. Plenty of others have planted their flag in that regard, and frankly, that seems to miss the point. The bottom line is this: your children are suffering, yet your mercy and compassion seem inexplicably directed more towards the ones causing it, than the ones enduring it.

Scripture says “Honor your father.” Scripture says “My child, support your father in his old age, do not grieve him during his life. Even if his mind should fail, show him sympathy, do not despise him in your health and strength.” Do you see the untenable position in which you’ve placed us? Do you see the uncertainty you’re creating? Do you care?

So while I don’t despise you, and am commanded to honor you, I’m done with your pontificate. I do and always will love the Church, and will never leave it. I will pray for you every day, as any son ought to do for any father. But your actions have put me – and many other Catholics like me – between a rock and a hard place. And the fact it’s The Rock, makes it all the worse.

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