PARISH REPORT: Church Unveils New Line of Craft Sacramental Wines

ACMPress – NAPA VALLEY – Sts. Bartle & Jaymes in Napa, CA unveiled their long awaited line-up of 2019 craft organic sacramental wines this past weekend, holding tastings for their parishioners after each Mass. The response was overwhelmingly positive.

“I’m so grateful I’m no longer a Baptist,” a woman told ACMPress. “This makes being Catholic so worthwhile.”

Head winegrower Deacon Reese Ling said this year’s crop was the best he’s ever seen. “We had a fantastic growing season. While it’s still a little early to harvest and mass produce, we managed to make a few bottles of each variety, to give the parish a taste of things to come.”

This year’s line-up includes: ‘Ordinary Thyme’, a crisp chardonnay infused with a mixture of herbs; ‘Liturgical Dance’, a rather expressive red blend with just a hint of chiffon; ‘Venial Zin’, a light-hearted not-so-serious zinfadel; “White Privelege”, a bold pinot blanc with a guilty pleasure aftertaste; and ‘Social JustIce’, a sweet dessert wine with noticeable sanctimonious undertones.

“This is our first attempt at dessert wines,” Reese said. “I’m confident the Worship Committee will find a use for it. Maybe for the monthly birthday masses.”

Don’t miss anything from A Catholic Misfit – please like ACM’s Facebook page!

Photo credit: juanpedraza on Visual Hunt / CC BY-SA

Posted in All The News That's Misfit To Print, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Parody, Satire | Comments Off on PARISH REPORT: Church Unveils New Line of Craft Sacramental Wines

If Jesuits Wrote the Gospels…

In light of Jesuit Superior General Fr. Arturo Sosa’s recent statements where he said: “Good and evil are in a permanent war in the human conscience and we have ways to point them out. We recognize God as good, fully good. Symbols are part of reality, and the devil exists as a symbolic reality, not as a personal reality.” (Emphasis added).

Don’t miss anything from A Catholic Misfit – please like ACM’s Facebook page!

Posted in Just My Opinion But You Know I'm Right, News, Snarkasm, What The...?, Wow | 1 Comment

Things St. Lawrence Never Said

In honor of today’s celebration of the Feast of St Lawrence, I decided to dig out and dust off a 2011 post from my old blog. I just love this guy. Deacon and martyr, patron saint of comedians and cooks. According to St. Ambrose, while St. Lawrence was being grilled, he told his persecutors: “This side is done – now turn and eat.” It didn’t get a ton of laughs, I bet, but his executioners probably talked about it for days. Might’ve even led to a conversion or three, who knows?

St. Lawrence probably said other things while cooking, which most likely included none of the following:

Saint lawrence martyr catholic

saint lawrence catholic martyr

saint lawrence martyr catholicsaint lawrence catholic martyr

catholic church martyr saint lawrence

saint lawrence martyr catholic church

saint lawrence martyr catholic church

Happy feast day to all those named for this great saint! Now go grill something!

Don’t miss anything from A Catholic Misfit – please like ACM’s Facebook page!

(Art: The Martyrdom of St. Lawrence, by Valentin de Buologne, 1621-22)

Posted in Catholic, Feast Days, Humor, Meme, Saints | Comments Off on Things St. Lawrence Never Said

PARISH REPORT: Church Serves Free Range Donuts at Coffee Hour; Attendance Skyrockets

ACMPress – LIBERTYVILLE – Mass attendance at Our Lady of Organic Goodness in downtown Libertyville has increased markedly since May of 2019, and the Welcoming and Holistic Ministry chairwoman knows the reason why.

It’s the free-range donuts being served at the 9:30 AM Mass Coffee Hour.

“We introduced free-range donuts the weekend before Memorial Day,” ministry chairwoman Kelly Flowers told ACMPress, “and ever since, we’ve seen a 42% increase in Mass attendance. It’s so exciting!”

Flowers explained that one of their parishioners, a local farmer named Cam Boocha, offered his free-range donuts to the parish at a discount. “He’d been raising them for a couple years, and he approached us when we announced a new “Farm-to-Table” sustainability initiative. It was totally providential.”

Flowers said Boocha raises two varieties: Plain and sugared. They’re fried in free trade coconut oil, with the sugared variety rolled in certified organic raw sugar.

“They’re delicious,” she said. “Very fresh, light, and you can tell they were fed natural, organic ingredients. Which makes them healthier.”

Other parishes within the diocese have asked Boocha for his donuts, but he’s been reluctant to increase production. “You can’t rush nature,” he said, “and the last thing I want to do is compromise on quality and freshness. Every other donut in the world is raised in a cramped, sterile, kitchen-y environment, designed to pump out donuts hand over fist. I prefer to take my time, let the donuts roam free before dunking them in hot, boiling oil. It’s a much more humane way to raise ’em.”

Don’t miss anything from A Catholic Misfit – please like ACM’s Facebook page!

Photo credit: Veganbaking.net on Visualhunt / CC BY-SA

Posted in All The News That's Misfit To Print, Humor, News That Could Be True, Parish Report, Parody, Satire | Comments Off on PARISH REPORT: Church Serves Free Range Donuts at Coffee Hour; Attendance Skyrockets